Storytime Episode 3 - The Difference Between If & When

“I want to say yes, but I’m scared you’ll break my heart.”

He was still looking up on me while keeping his position on bended knee.

“Do you think I will? I’m proposing to you,” he said.

“It’s just-” he cut me off with a kiss. I didn’t even see him get up, but I know his kiss was sincere. It was so sincere I began to cry.

He didn’t say anything. He just held me tight. His embrace so warm and comforting. He just let me be. I always love how he knew me so well. When I got myself together, I looked into his eyes. He stayed silent,& all he did was take his fingers and wipe away any remaining tears.

He then smiled at me and said, “I know you’ve been hurt before. You’ve had your heart broken two times before me. I know the second one hurt you most.”

When he said this, I began to speak. I knew he practically knew my whole story, but I wasn’t sure anymore if I told him this part.

“I think the second one hurt most because it lasted longer out of the two. You know I don’t play around. I date for marriage. I felt they both were the ones in their respective times…I should have known better with the second. Like the first, we talked marriage…every time I said when though, he would say if. We went on like that for awhile, & it never deterred me…as years passed, I realized maybe I caught what he had…I started saying if…but when I did, he changed his tune. I was his plus one at his friend’s wedding…you know what he said? He said to me, ‘we aren’t doing that for our wedding ok?’ what do you say to that? I looked at him surprised and happy. He saw me,& he was surprised at what he said. I couldn’t let it go, but he said nothing more. I should’ve known what that meant…”

I looked down at the ground after my monologue.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I killed the mood & kept talking.”

He shook his head and held my hands in his. He smiled& leaned in. He whispered in my ear& said, “let’s try this again.”

I didn’t know what he meant at the time. It happened so fast; he moved so quickly. He got on one knee & said:

“I know actions are louder than words…”

He paused for a bit. His speech was different. He saw my expression & smiled.

“I will love you for all of time. I will cherish your heart,& I will not break it. I am not perfect, & I’ll make mistakes, but i know we will get through any hurdle. This is real. My love for you is real. This is not if. This is when. You see…I want to grow old with you. I love you so much. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but, if you need time. I understand…perhaps I rushed-”

I cut him off this time. I got down to meet him at his level and threw my arms around him. I don’t know why I reacted that way. I caught him off guard. I saw the ring fly,& I started to say sorry profusely. He laughed and kissed my forehead.

We had to look for the ring, and we eventually found it. He looked at me,& I nodded & smiled. He put the ring on my finger. I realized he loved me,& I realized I loved him from the start. This was the difference between if and when. I found the one,& it took me awhile to find him, but this journey was worth it, & I can’t wait to see what this new chapter brings.